Today’s essay task, boys and girls,
is to tell us why you would make a good Prime Minister of Australia. As you may have noticed, the grown-ups are making a mess of
it.
I’ve always toyed with the idea of
going into politics. It’s not because I want to be the change I want to see in
the world; it’s not because I’m overly concerned with human rights or environmental
issues, it’s mainly because I’m an egocentric attention seeker and I like the idea
of wielding a little power. It’s a feminist version of wanting to be a
princess.
This would work well because I would
be comfortable in the spotlight and Prime Ministers are always on the front
page for one thing or another.
I have a law degree in my bottom
drawer but have never practiced law, so I have the knowledge but also the
intact integrity to understand the gobbledegook that goes on in parliament
without trying to corrupt it.
I’ve got a sense of humour and can
laugh at myself. Ruddy and Hawke are the only ones that spring to mind here and
the people loved that. A good Prime Minister should be a little bit of a
stand-up comedian too. Tony Abbott is of course very funny, but he doesn’t mean
to be which makes our laughter feel just a little bit cruel.
I don’t wear high heels. All flats.
No danger of face planting in front of the media…(unless I’ve had a long lunch
with Hawkey.)
I know what it’s like to be poor. I
have lived in the housing commission house, I have eaten dry rice bubbles for
days. I’ve had my electricity, gas and phone disconnected. I’m in touch with
the battlers. I was also a housekeeper at Kerry Packer’s mansion so I can
relate to people across the spectrum.
I’m a control freak who likes to
talk.
I have already aired all my dirty
laundry in a kiss-and-tell memoir so there’s no point looking for skeletons in
my closet because I wear them unashamedly.
My husband is a school teacher so I’ve
got my finger on the pulse of the public education system.
I have been a drug addict and can confidently
say that prohibition and criminalization of addiction is counterproductive and
just plain wrong.
I’ve been a struggling single mum and know how
deeply the recent welfare cuts are affecting the backbone of our society so I’d
not only reinstate the single parent pension as it was, I’ll throw in a few
more bonuses.
I’m not homophobic and support gay
marriage. Some of my best friends….you know how it goes.
I do believe that every time someone
says they don’t believe in global warming, a gorgeous little hippy dies. I
lived in Nimbin for a while. I like hippies and global warming gives me
nightmares.
I would put up a family of boat people
in the guest wing of The Lodge. I’d treat them like human beings. Give them a
hug, a blanket and a cup of tea. I would close the Auschwitz refugee camps,
dismantle them and build memorial gardens instead to commemorate all the beautiful
souls that got stomped on there.
I’d clean up the violent, bullying,
raping, murdering police force. (And that cop who severed Domadgee’s liver by
accidentally falling on him….I’d see you get something for that…you know who
you are.)
I’d tell the fat cat miners to play
nice and put something back into this country instead of just bleeding her dry.
I’d make Clive Palmer’s Titanic my
preferred method of visiting coastal towns and cities and have a camel caravan
for interior tours. Kind of like Gaddafi without all the murdering.
I’d appoint Kylie Minogue as my foreign
minister, James Packer as my Treasurer….NOT! perhaps Gina…she knows how to turn
a buck, Dot.com could be my Minister for
Broadband and all things internet, Minister for Families etc could be Steve
Biddulph because he seems to know all about that sort of thing. Minister for
Education – my husband….and the rest are open to the highest bidder.
I’d stop giving money to Private
schools and pour it into the public system. I’d make free breakfasts a compulsory
part of every school in Australia.
I’d sack the Royal Family. I’ll be
the Queen of this country (symbolically speaking of course).
I’d make politics a bit more
exciting. More party in the party. Spice it up. Take a leaf out of the old
Roman Emperor’s books. Toga parties, feasts and banquets, some gladiatorial good
fun. First spectacular spectacular could be ‘Abbott and the Lions’.
I’m already having so much fun…pick
me, pick me!