My volcano budget theory.

By George! I think I’ve got it. All this debate about the budget is missing the obvious. This is not just about our economy and our deficit. In fact it’s barely about that at all. It’s about the impending invasion of millions of US citizens seeking refuge in our Great Southern Land. It's the Volcano!

See, most rational thinkers have been approaching this budget as if it were any other budget from any other time and government. But oh no, no, no. Abbott and his band of brothers (oh and one sister) have been facing a secret and catastrophic looming disaster and they are doing what they can to avert a major social crisis in Australia, without causing a wide-spread panic and sense of powerlessness (oh well…the budget itself did that anyway). There is literally no other way to interpret the budget. The answer lies on the other grape-vine. Not Murdoch’s. Not the mainstream ones at all. For the answer to the mystery that lies beneath the worst budget in the history of this very young nation, we need to look deeper at the conspiracy theory whisper-web.

That’s right! Whenever there is a disaster, a terrorist attack or a school shooting, one must put one’s ear to the ground to listen to what the mainstream, rational world does not hear. The conspiracy theories. Now, here’s where it gets interesting. In early May, the whisper-web began murmuring, quite loudly for a whisper-web, about an impending super-volcanic eruption in the Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming in the US. It is such a huge caldera that a major eruption would have a global impact. It may even have the capacity to present an extinction event or biotic crisis –something that would threaten our very existence.

In the event that the whispers are right and that animals have been fleeing the park, due to or independently of the surge in earthquake activity in the area and in the event that reports from South Africa claiming that their government was secretly approached by US officials to sign up for a volcano refugee intake but refused, then this might have some bearing on the interpretation of Joe Hockey’s budget.

Think about it. Australia would be sitting in the most comfortable and safe spot, globally speaking, in the event of a super eruption. We would be the closest thing to Paradise on Earth. All tucked up safe in the lower part of the southern hemisphere. Rumours abound (in whisper world) that Australia, Brazil and Argentina have agreed to the US request for shelter for their displaced millions.
So. Bingo. The Australian budget reflects this perfectly. 

We are going to need some major beefing up of our border control for renegades who don’t follow the proper procedures and we’re not talking about a few Afghani stragglers on rickety boats. So of course it makes sense for Morrison to establish a super agency for border control. It puts Abbott’s ‘Stop the Boats’ into greater perspective, eh? And we’ll need a kick-arse army and some shiny new Joint Strike Fighter aircraft – over 12 billion dollars worth of them in fact….because what if the US breaks its promise (the one that they may or may not have made) and just decides to take over Australia, leaving their lava-fields behind? We will need to be prepared to defend ourselves against an invasion. So while flinging the little fish to Manus Island, the government is really focusing on the next wave of boats. The US invasion.

Now, for legitimate US refugees, we’ll have to feed, clothe and house them. That’s a big ask. But if you have in place measures like get a job or wait six months for the dole, then at least it won’t be government funds footing the grocery bill. And all our unemployed youth under thirty will be forced, due to the new measures and incentives in place, to join the armed forces. So dole bludgers will magically turn into soldiers because it’s the only way they’ll get a meal and a bed. The welfare will be replaced with a weapon and bammo we’ve got a big, young army and big, shiny airplanes and we’re ready for all those volcano refugees and whatever else may come knocking on the door.

In the wake of the volcano, the entire world environment will be screwed so all those climate measures and environmental agencies won’t do diddly squat which is why no-one in power in Australia gives a toss. They know the volcano’s coming so they’re making hay (for themselves) while the sun still shines. The one percent need to stock up on cans of caviar and kippers. They want to freeze up the funds for the masses because there’s only so much stock on shelves, y’know?

Petrol will become a major point of contention, post Yellowstone, because air travel may be off the cards for some time and foreign trade will be down. We might end up like Mad Max. Maybe. I don’t know. But obviously foreign aid is no longer necessary. We’ll be letting in a few Yanks and doing our bit and knowing just how devastated the rest of the world will be…well there’s no point allocating bandaid money there. Lost cause. Hang on to every cent we’ve got for our own people to survive. Or the better class of people at least.

It may sound far-fetched this theory of mine. But it’s the only one that makes sense of the weird budget. So …anyway, I think it as good as the one about the budget emergency and deficit disaster that requires heavy lifting across the board….if you ask me…that’s the far-fetched one.  

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